How Attachment Styles Shape Your Conflict Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze & Fawn Explained
When we encounter danger or perceive a threat—whether physical or emotional—our nervous system automatically reacts in an effort to protect us. These instinctive survival responses are deeply wired into the brain and are known as Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. While originally developed to help us survive life-threatening events, they often continue to show up in modern life, especially in the aftermath of trauma or difficult early experiences.
Let’s explore each response in depth and how they may show up in our lives, particularly in relationships and attachment patterns.
FIGHT – The Defender
Core strategy: Regain control or safety through power, confrontation, or dominance.
The Fight response is often misunderstood as simply “aggression,” but it’s more complex than that. When someone’s nervous system senses a threat, the Fight response kicks in to help them regain control of the situation—sometimes by asserting boundaries, other times by trying to overpower the threat.
In a healthy form, this looks like:
Assertiveness
Strong boundaries
Standing up for oneself
Refusing to be mistreated
When dysregulated, it can become:
Angry outbursts or yelling
Controlling or intimidating behavior
Need to "win" or be right in conflicts
Blaming others or reacting defensively
Attachment connection:
Often linked to disorganised or anxious attachment, the Fight response may show up in people who fear losing control in relationships or who use anger to mask vulnerability.
FLIGHT – The Escaper
Core strategy: Avoid danger by escaping or outrunning it—physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The Flight response helps us survive by fleeing. While literal running away might not happen in adult life, this response often shows up as avoidance—of conflict, emotions, intimacy, or responsibilities. It’s about staying safe by staying “away.”
In a healthy form, this looks like:
Productiveness and high energy
Problem-solving and goal setting
Knowing when to walk away from toxic situations
When dysregulated, it can become:
Overworking or perfectionism
Avoiding difficult conversations or emotions
Anxiety, restlessness, or chronic busyness
Ending relationships prematurely to avoid being hurt
Attachment connection:
Common in avoidant attachment, the Flight response can lead people to emotionally distance themselves from others or focus on tasks rather than feelings to maintain a sense of control.
FREEZE – The Disconnector
Core strategy: Play dead. Shut down emotionally, mentally, or physically to avoid pain.
The Freeze response emerges when neither fight nor flight feels possible—when a person feels powerless or overwhelmed. This might come from experiencing repeated trauma, especially during early years, or from being in situations where expressing needs felt unsafe.
In a healthy form, this looks like:
Pausing and reflecting before acting
Emotional regulation
Detachment in dangerous situations
When dysregulated, it can become:
Dissociation or numbness
Feeling stuck or helpless
Inability to make decisions ("analysis paralysis")
Emotional shutdown in conflict
Attachment connection:
Often linked to fearful-avoidant (disorganised) attachment, the Freeze response can reflect deep ambivalence—wanting closeness but feeling terrified of what that might bring. The nervous system goes into overload and simply shuts down.
FAWN – The Appeaser
Core strategy: Maintain safety by pleasing, placating, or merging with the needs of others.
The Fawn response is the least commonly talked about, but it’s deeply familiar to many people—especially those who experienced childhood environments where love had to be earned, or conflict felt dangerous. Fawning is about gaining safety by being agreeable, helpful, or invisible.
In a healthy form, this looks like:
Empathy and compassion
Cooperation and diplomacy
Attunement to others’ needs
When dysregulated, it can become:
Chronic people-pleasing
Saying “yes” at the expense of your own needs
Difficulty setting or enforcing boundaries
Merging identity with others to avoid rejection
Fear of saying or doing anything that may upset others
Attachment connection:
Strongly associated with anxious or fearful-avoidant attachment, fawning is often rooted in the belief that love or safety must be earned by minimizing one’s own needs or emotions.
Why This Matters
Understanding these survival responses allows us to make sense of behaviors that might otherwise feel confusing or frustrating. In counselling, clients often feel shame for their reactivity or avoidance—when in fact, their nervous system is doing what it was trained to do: keep them safe.
In my practice, I help clients:
Identify their dominant trauma responses
Understand the connection between early experiences and current patterns
Build nervous system regulation tools (like grounding, breathwork, or somatic practices)
Develop healthier ways to relate, communicate, and set boundaries
Move toward earned secure attachment, where connection feels safe and empowering
You Are Not Broken—You Adapted
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are not personality flaws. They are adaptations—intelligent responses to pain, fear, and uncertainty. The good news is that what was learned can be unlearned. With support, awareness, and gentle work, you can build new ways of being in the world and in relationships—ways rooted not in survival, but in safety and self-trust.